At the start of this year, I had enrolled in a course. The experience was intensive and it also happened to be a chaotic time for me personally. When life throws lemons, we open a lemonade stand and call it tough self reflection. As if that wasn’t enough I decided to add some professional reflection to the mix as well. And boom, we had a self-made, fully functional existential crisis.
The kind that made me think hard about my choices and future decisions. I thought about the tradeoffs that I am willing to accept, and the non-negotiables that I am prepared to live with. What makes me happy, but more importantly, what makes me feel content? What compromises am I willing to accept, and what does the word even mean to me? I think at some point we all answer these questions, just that some of us do it consciously.
Maybe it’s the year of answers for me.💛
Answering these questions is tough, but once you find them, there is no turning back. Self-awareness is tricky. :') It becomes your cheat code for life, but also ensures that no other way will ever feel “you” enough.
So, there I was buried in assignments, preparing documents, working a full time job, speaking to many people, reading a lot, researching a lot, but what I wasn't doing was writing. It started as a one off thing but quickly escalated. I was extremely touched by people checking with me about the newsletter that had gone missing from their inbox. I try to follow the “Don’t miss 2 workouts in a row” rule in life because I know consistency is rewarding. Regardless of how hard I tried, it wouldn't happen.
Anyone hearing this would have definitely advised taking it easy, and reaffirmed that taking a break is perfectly natural. I fully agree and I have taken breaks before, but this was more, much more. While I felt guilty about not writing, it also seemed right. As if the universe was telling me it needed to be done. And who am I to fight the universe ? So, I’d accepted it and stopped trying for a while. What started as an unintentional break became an intentional one.
Now, writing is neither work nor a hobby for me. It's part of who I am. I turn to books when I want answers and to an empty page when I find some. So, this sense of detachment confused me. I felt like my writing had abandoned me when I needed it the most, whereas in reality it was the opposite. I was going through a range of emotions and evolving as a person. No experience is in isolation. It meant questioning everything that made me the person I am, including my love of writing. Could it survive the test of finding purpose?
While my commitment to my readers and my passion to connect the world via stories was solid, what was being tested was my commitment to becoming a better version of myself. Just like therapists can need therapy, sometimes it’s important to evaluate your relationship with the things closest to you to understand why you value them.
Like they say “Sometimes you need to step outside, get some fresh air, and remind yourself of who you are and where you want to be”
And I realised that I want to write and I want to write more. I want to inspire, entertain, teach, learn, challenge and connect through my words. I don’t visualise this as a piece of paper with words but an act of connecting on a deeper level. I want to someday transcend borders, and languages and truly connect the world via my stories. This unintentional - intentional break made me see why I do this and how it’s a part of my being now. It also reminded me of why I aspired to be a writer at the first place and why it’s still a dream I haven’t given up on. Because it makes me feel that in whatever small way it’s my contribution to the world, one story at a time.
This means whatever I do, and whoever I be, and wherever I am, I now know this will always be accompany me. Because it passed the ‘Things that give me a sense of purpose’ test. All, because I dared to surrender and let it find its way back to me.
Sometimes it’s in losing that you find yourself.
May we find a way to listen to both our head and heart, and dance a little along the way. 💫
Weekly Recommendation :
Do you folks know Grandma Droniak? If you don’t, let me be the one to introduce her.
She is a wonderful 90 year old lady, who had become famous for her Tiktok videos. I had discovered her during the Covid time. (Yep, that’s what 2020 will be referred as always; that’s the rule. ) Some of her videos make you laugh, but all of them make you smile.
I watch them often , just because. : )
I’ve been thinking about the kind of person I want to be as I grow older. And amongst other things, if I can share her enthusiasm for life at that age, I think I’ll be fine. So, sharing a little positivity to keep coming back to.
Folks, meet Grandma Lil.🌸
As always, please share your thoughts in the comments . : )
Stay happy, Stay content Sumedha
I love your spirit! May you always keep shining and writing the beautiful and inspiring words!